At the top of the page in capital letters he wrote "Nashville" in pencil. The second half of the page read "Portland".
You see, for the past two years, we've been trying to get out of California. We love our life here and the community God has cultivated, but we feel ready to leave. More importantly, we feel drawn to the south. Closer to Matt's family, back in his element, we want to set down roots and begin a new life. God has graciously allotted me love and passion for a part of the country I had never been to until three years ago. Although I can already see parts of the culture that will challenge me greatly, my heart warms when I think about it. When I hear a southern accent or when I flip through pictures of our visits there.
After spending a few months in the south this summer, traveling to various cities and exploring our options, we fell in love with Nashville. Only an hour from where Matt grew up, it offers a safe distance from his hometown with the familiarity of his roots. As a popular city with quickly disappearing real estate and a coffee shop on every corner, it's like a little slice of the northwest nestled in the south. (My heart jumped a little when I spotted three different type of recycling canisters clustered on the street once.)
We had a GREAT visit there, met friends of friends, visited a healthy church and ate the best cheese dip I've ever had.
So now, we sat infront of our pros and cons list sorting out what would stop us from moving there. Portland made it on the list out of convenience. Matt and I could slip away from the high cost of living in California, be near my family and land in a healthy church instantly. After a really hard year, depleted savings and months of visiting churches around here, that sounded appealing. But in the big picture, we both desired to be in the south. Portland would be a nice detour to recoup from the past year or so, but we were confident God could take care of us and provide for us in Nashville too. Enter: the pros and cons list.
By the time our basket of fries were empty, we were excitedly talking about job hunting in Nashville and moving there by 2014. We stayed up late that night, hovering over Matt's laptop, looking up rentals and real estate in Tennessee.
The next morning, I found out I was pregnant.
Before I shared the news with Matt later that night, thoughts flew across my brain for hours. I believe God's timing is perfect, didn't I? Would Matt? Would he resent this pregnancy if it prevented our newly mapped out life? Would I?
By the time I sat him on the edge of our bed and told him he was going to be a dad, I was confident, excited and the only thing I was afraid of was miscarrying. Keeping in mind that I just had a whole day to process the news, I smiled and embraced Matt's reaction. Excitement. Joy. But then, "what about Nashville?"
Now, three months since that night, I'm just about to enter the second half of this pregnancy. Unable to afford the cost of living in California without me working full time, we are looking at options in Portland and in Nashville, with trusting and eager hearts (and sweaty palms) that God has a plan for us. This pregnancy, not planned, yet not prevented, is still in the scope of God's plan for us. He's consistently shown me that his ways are above my ways and his timing is perfect.
I never imagined that we would be starting our family while we were in transition, without a church community, renting a room from friends and after one of the most wearing seasons of my life. Not to mention, two years into our marriage.
On hard days, I remind myself that his power is made perfect in my weakness. Almost every day, I try not to miss what a gift this is. It doesn't escape me what a sensitive topic fertility is and I'm trying not to take for granted how blessed I am to experience it so easily.
"I pray that whatever you do with our family, we will trust you and depend on you fully. You are such a great and dependable God! Especially in the unknown." I wrote down that pray in my journal ten minutes before taking a pregnancy test. I'm so grateful for a God who doesn't waver in his dependability, who isn't affected by circumstances and who already knows the ending to this story.
I can't even believe how much love he's given me for this baby already. I also can't believe he thinks I can handle this! I anticipate that God will steer us in the right direction and I'm writing this post for my eyes to skim over on the days I drift towards doubt.
